blinding darkness surrounds me
by SilentMuse.x
Summary: ONE-SHOT Arthur finds himself succumbing into darkness. Rated for mildly dark themes. Slight exploration of depression. Title comes from Trading Yesterday's For You Only.


Title: blinding darkness surrounds me  
Author: **SilentMuse.x**  
Summary: Arthur finds himself succumbing to darkness.  
Spoilers/Warnings: Mild exploration of depression. Mentions of 1x13 (Le Morte D'Arthur.) and 2x08 (Sins of the Father.)  
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. Sadly.  
Author's notes: Because I have writer's block for the prompts for the Spring Fling, I wrote this in hopes that it would jumpstart my writing muse. It's heavily inspired by one of my favorite Trading Yesterday songs, For You Only.

He's scared. He's plunging into a dark place that he's not sure he can escape. He feels himself shaking at who he's slowly becoming. All his principles and beliefs have been diminished – gone. Everything he's known about chivalry and honor does not seem to matter anymore.

And he's scared.

Ever since his father has died from a terrible illness, and the truth is revealed to him, he found himself in darkness. He felt himself numbing from the pain, and the reality of what his father had done comes crashing down on him again. Because regardless of the fact that he may not have known that it was his wife's life that would be taken away, he was angry at him for the lives of those people of magic. He felt that familiar surge of hatred he had felt years ago.

He was so infuriated that he had almost killed his former manservant for lying to him. But as he held the younger man by the collar and as he stared at him straight in the eyes and watched the fear in them heighten, he couldn't go through with it and he was appalled at what he had almost done. He released Merlin and let him run away from him in fear.

He's shaken to the bones. He was drifting away. The darkness is so enticing and he could feel himself succumbing. He doesn't want to become like his father, but he felt like it was inevitable. He just wants to surrender – to give in.

But he can't do that to her.

He knows he's scaring her. He could see it in her eyes. He could see that slight crease on her forehead when she stares at him. He could see the question in her eyes. He could see her distress in her hands as she grips the sheets she was supposed to wash close to her chest. He knows she wants to reach out to him – to save him.

And he wishes for his own sake that she would.

He wishes that she would just reach out and pull him out from the darkness before it was too late.

Because Arthur was scared his time was up.

***~***

A few months after his tryst with Merlin, there was a feast in celebration for the prosperity of the crops after a month-long of famine. His trusted advisor had long since forgiven him and they did not discuss what happened any longer.

As he watched them enjoy themselves, he found himself unable to enjoy the feast. He could not feel that happiness and glee that the townspeople found.

He would just watch them dancing about and he felt nothing but emptiness. He watched Guinevere and Merlin join the dancing and the young maid would laugh as she tried to teach Merlin to not step on her toes.

The scene that would normally bring a smile to his face made him feel nothing. Guinevere would sometimes glance his way and he would raise his goblet to her and fake a smile.

He knew she saw right through him because of the slight change in her demeanor. She became more reserved to the dancing and seemed worried.

It pained him that his darkness affected her. It was supposed to be his burden and his alone.

But Guinevere had long since proven to him that his burden was hers too.

***~***

A few months after, a knight from a rival kingdom had challenged him. Afterwards, he had stayed up holed in his chambers, refusing to talk or see anyone.

He had won, of course. But that was not the reason he was hiding. He was used to killing as he had done it many times before. But he was not used to the feeling he had now.

He felt delight in killing the knight.

He felt disgusted at himself, as he repeated washed his hands from the basin as if that would wash away the sin on his hands. He had paced around his chambers until he tired himself up. He sat on his bed and placed his head in his hands. He felt the familiar tightening of his throat and the stinging in his eyes.

What was happening to him?

He had refused to see Merlin, even after his insistence. He was too embarrassed, too ashamed of what he had done to that knight to even face him. But now, he felt alone.

He didn't even acknowledge the knock on his door until the person opened the door and let herself in.

"Arthur?" Guinevere called out. He raised his head from his hands and his bloodshot eyes were enough to send her running towards him. She enveloped him in an embrace, to soothe him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and cried. She stroked his hair, and rubbed his back and just let him cry.

No words were spoken but in this moment, silence was enough.

***~***

The thought that the only person that could save him couldn't be his devastated him.

They did not acknowledge that day and they returned to their normal everyday lives. But whenever Arthur had broken down, Guinevere was always there ready to soothe him. He felt his fears and his darkness quell slightly but it was not enough. He sometimes needed her constant presence or his darkness would soon relapse.

His demons kept coming back to him, and try as Guinevere may to fight them they kept on coming back soon after because Arthur knew that the young handmaiden would not be a constant presence in his life.

He found himself cursing at his weakness – at his inability to fight his own fears and demons. He cursed himself for letting himself get this deep. He was scared that he wouldn't find the will to live anymore.

His fears were quick to take a toll on him. He couldn't sleep so he distracted himself by working. He had those dark circles under his eyes, much like the one he had seen on Morgana. The exhaustion took a toll in his appearance. He looked gaunt and he had matured greatly. He also found his appetite quickly decreasing. It had disappeared so much that he skipped meals altogether, finding no meaning in pushing his food around his plate. And it had weakened him. He found his movements sluggish and he found it difficult to concentrate. It was only after he found himself unable to get out of bed that he asked Merlin to call Gaius. He sometimes wondered how the physician had managed to outlive his father.

The physician had told him he may not be able to get out of bed for a couple of days, and he would need time to recuperate his strength. The young king nodded and entrusted the kingdom to Sir Leon – his head knight – and Merlin – his advisor – to look over the kingdom while he recovered.

Guinevere was the one who tended to him every night. She would come in his chambers, a cloth and basin in hand, and would sit by his bedside. She would pat his bare chest with the cloth, trying to get rid of the sweat that had accumulated, and he would just stare at her in silence. There was no awkwardness anymore, just a strong sense of familiarity. He knew she had duties to attend to and he was flattered that she disregarded them to take care of him. She tried her best to tend to his fever and he was slowly recovering. She spoke no words and he found no reason to break the peaceful silence.

It was only until a few days after that she spoke.

"What are you doing to yourself, Arthur?" she whispered quietly as she wrung the cloth from the basin of water. "What's happening to you?"

"Darkness is happening to me," he had whispered back with a faint smile. "I must be experiencing what happened to my father when my mother died. And I don't know why this is happening. I just find myself drifting away. I find myself surrounded in darkness."

"I'm here for you." Her voice broke at the last word and the tears that collected in her eyes slowly trickled down her cheek.

Arthur smiled at her before placing a hand at her cheek to wipe her tears away. He watched as she leaned his touch. "But you won't always be."

He watched her close her eyes and he realized that she thought of it as a truth and it broke his heart to know there was no hope for them. But Guinevere knew for herself that it was just a temporary truth – just until she found the courage to reach out to him. And she was almost there, she just needed time.

But for the meantime, she held his hand and placed a kiss over his knuckles – the way she did years before.

He closed his eyes and found his darkness disappear for a moment. He knew it would come back soon, it always did, but he would revel in the few moments that he basked in Guinevere's light.


End file.
